I have written and re-written this post so many times. I can't seem to work out what I want to say or, more accurately, I have too much to say (often the case) and I can't seem to contain it in something I can package into a neat little SEO friendly blog post. I am not sure that it's even something anyone will find value in, or want to spend hard-won free time reading, but I wanted to write it nonetheless.
I have spend 32 years of my life being a wholly unbalanced individual.
By which, I mean that I haven't even sought balance in my life. I haven't tried to see the calm as something I need, or the frenetic as a complimentary feeling either. I have dieted to distraction, and eaten to excess so whilst I am lucky that I haven't noticeably ballooned and shrunk down again, the toll on my psyche hasn't gone unnoticed. At least not to me anyway. I have taken stock recently, after a fairly tumultuous year with some of the highest highs and darkest lows of my life. I thought about what I had been striving for in work, health, life.....and realised that balance is what I was craving. I love what I do, and thrive when I'm busy at work but taking on too much became counter productive so I stopped and decided to refocus on what I want to spend the biggest chunk of my time on -- that's not any of my freelance work, that's on this website. But, although I do monetise my blog -- I don't make my sole income from it. I also work for a few other clients too, one of them I love and feel passionate about and the rest I don't. So my focus will be shifting to those two passion projects, despite the fact I will make less money as a result.
Feast to Famine
Until a couple of weeks ago I was exercising daily, yet struggling to feel that elusive 'runners high' or feel enough of a difference to make it seem worthwhile. So I stopped. From feast to famine is never the answer (or vice versa) but, as I have eluded to, I'm not great at the middle ground stuff. I do everything at 100 miles an hour, then burn out and do nothing.....
And my social life is no different. I am an introvert, so social situations drain me. I have reduced my social circle to include me, myself and I, or, booking out my entire week with activities that I know I will dread, then enjoy, then feel exhausted by. I want to explore that topic a lot more, because the idea of what an introvert is fascinates me. It is hugely misunderstood and I can't tell you how many times I have been told "No you're not!" or "You can't tell!" because of the misconception that being introverted is to be shy. More on that another time perhaps.
So, what next? I'm trying to be kind to myself, and accept balance daily. What that means for me, is not feeling guilty for eating something I perceive to be unhealthy or outside of my usual diet and avoiding the temptation to restrict food. I walk our dog twice daily, for almost two hours in total and that time is both exercise and meditation in reality....so, who cares about running. Not me.
I know that keeping myself in check am hoping it will start to become a , and finding balance will be something I need to remind myself to do. After 28 days I hope it will become a habit (apparently that's how long it takes to form a lasting pattern you can call a habit). Until then, I will be setting myself a task: be kind to myself, be kind to others and eat what the fudge I want.
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